THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE OSCARS...

Dresses with pockets: Sandra Bullock - yes, Maggie Gyllennhhalllall whatsit - nooooo.

Michelle Williams - who would have thought a buttercup yellow Vera Wang gown worn with red lippy would be lovely? (Isaac Mizrahi translation engine - AMAGAAAHD, TOTALLY HAAAMAAAYZINGLY FABULOUS AND DIVINE DARLING)

Naomi Watts - 'Ooh yeah, Givenchy, lovely, I'm thinking raw chicken colour, and plenty of padding at the hips for that fat fairy princess effect. Bonza.'

George Clooney - sorry, was drooling, mmm, what?